Like a third-year college senior once again sloughing off studying for finals, I’m not going to review Neighbors at all but, instead, opt to kill time by playing games. (OK, for those of you who need an actual review, a few thoughts: The cast is likeable, the movie is slow to start, and most of the big laughs don’t come until the last third or so.)
The central conflict pits Seth Rogan’s paunchy new father and his wife (played by Rose Byrne) against the buff and frequently shirt misplacing fraternity president next door played by Zac Efron, whose pecs it would not surprise me to learn live in separate zip codes now.
The beef between Rogan and Efron escalates throughout the movie until one of the more amusing throwdowns in recent memory. But I couldn’t help but wonder what the outcome of their conflict would have been had they put their violence urges on ice and instead submitted themselves into an epic series of fraternity Olympics.
So, for the sake of goofing off, here’s who I think would win in each of these events, and who would have ultimately come out victorious between #TeamFrat and #TeamFamily.
A tough decision right off the bat, because the ability to keep aim is evenly matched against the ability to hold down gallons of 3-2 brew. While I think Rogan would clearly outdrink half that collective frat, there’s no doubt whose arms aim true. Winner: #TeamFrat
On the other hand, Rogan looks like someone who would practice this skill to chase away hangovers. Winner: #TeamFamily
Consider this the tiebreaker for stale beer events. Given both sides would be thoroughly sloshed at this point in the games, it probably breaks to the one who has the stronger team support. Winner: #TeamFrat
So, it’s clearly dangerous to put pointy objects in the hands of either, and the odds say neither of them is going to score many points the traditional way. Instead, the spoils go to the one whose person is least notably punctured. Rogan’s a larger target, and Efron’s rock-hard chest deflects all projectiles. Winner: #TeamFrat
As if you even need to ask … Winner: #TeamFamily
The ball fails to volley for more than two returns. Both sides call a truce and move onto the next round. Winner: Draw
Back to the suds and down in front of a giant LCD. Efron and Rogan play round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round after round of Mario Kart, occasionally passing out until the shift in momentum causes bystanders to shake them back awake. Efron still gets some exercise in the great outdoors, so Rogan seizes the moment. Winner: #TeamFamily
Rogan can’t stop himself from collapsing into giggling fits over the name of the game, and keeps holding his beanbags in suggestive places, allowing Efron to walk away with it. Winner: #TeamFrat
Running on fumes, Rogan’s fight-or-flight reflexes kick in and he starts scoring over and over and over … on his own goal. Winner: #TeamFrat
Efron isn’t anywhere near the target, but at least he’s closer than Rogan, who lands a ring directly on the top of Efron’s head. Winner: #TeamFamily
Efron savors the points while en route to the Emergency Room. Or is it detox? Winner: #TeamFrat