WCCO Web Team Picks Worst Holiday Songs Ever
MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) -- At this point, holiday tunes have been percolating from store speakers, satellite radios and perhaps even your own record player for the last four or five weeks now.
Which means at this point, still one week and a half until Christmas Eve, we're totally ready to cry "Uncle!" like Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz and anyone else who suffered under Scott Farkus like our ears are now suffering because of the following songs.
(Oh, and we've put together a Spotify playlist so you can torture yourself for just under a half hour.)
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Katherine Kennicott Davis, "The Little Drummer Boy" (1941)
I get that it's a classic Christmas song. And I know it's meant to be a childish song overall, but -- come on -- any song that uses "pa-rum-pa-pum-pum" so many times (whilst interrupting the actual lyrics) is really testing one's patience. That, coupled with boring lyrics and an even more boring tempo, this song really is the worst, at least of the classics. -- Cole Premo
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José Feliciano, "Feliz Navidad" (1970)
On its surface, "Feliz Navidad" is at its best a Christmas jingle that gets stuck in your head. It lacks creativity, it's boring, but at least half of it isn't in English. It's a good thing the song is only on airwaves for about a month every year, because it's likely to drive you nuts. The fact that somebody got paid to write a song that just repeats itself is an embarrassment to actual quality Christmas music. That said, we've all been caught singing along with it on the radio in the car. Don't lie to yourself, we've all done it and we're not proud of it. -- Jeff Wald
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Any artist that isn't Donny Hathaway, "This Christmas" (Post-1970)
Donny Hathaway's 1970 classic "This Christmas" is not just one of the best holiday songs of the past 50 years -- it is one of the finest crafted and recorded tunes of the 20th century. I could listen to this song several times a day, no matter the time of year. The lyrics, Donny's vocals and the arrangement (especially the sleigh bell-driven instrumental hook that starts the song) are all incredible. It is so incredible, in fact, it makes me DESPISE every single cover version I've ever heard. I don't know why my hatred is so deep. I could care less about the sanctity of just about every other Christmas song, with the exception of New Kids on the Block's "Funky, Funky Xmas." (Don't DARE sully Donnie Wahlberg's masterpiece.) In closing, please consider this blurb to be an official cease and desist, especially for the likes of Chris Brown, Pentatonix and John Travolta/Olivia Newton-John. Go talk to your lawyers immediately about removing your songs from the marketplace and destroying the master tapes. Thank you kindly, and have a funky, funky Christmas. -- Steve Swanson
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John Lennon & Yoko Ono, "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" (1971)
A large part of my anger over this song comes from the fact that it is written by John Lennon. Mostly because I can't believe his genius created this hideous tune. He is so much better than condescendingly pandering to people's sense of holiday guilt as he does with the lyrics: "So this is Christmas/And what have you done," and using children for a chorus. First, how does he know I haven't done a lot of great things? Also, I already tend to feel guilty that I am not giving more around the holidays. Selfishly, I don't need a song to constantly remind me of it. Finally, aren't there are enough of those songs already? ("Do They Know It's Christmas?" anyone??) If I am truly honest though, much of my disdain for this song comes from its repetition. It seems to be the 2016 "Christmas Shoes," in that it's played practically once every hour. However, one redeeming quality of this song is its message of equality for everyone, particularly during the holiday season. -- Katie Fraser
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Paul McCartney, "Wonderful Christmastime" (1979)
That's right -- there are two Beatles on this list! There's no way to talk about terrible holiday songs without mentioning Paul McCartney's blatant Christmas cash-grab. It's unclear what sort of sick masochist would enjoy the blaring, boingy synthesizer of "Wonderful Christmastime" on repeat all through December, as it is on radio rotations this time of year. Worse yet, this may be the holiday tune that's most prone to stick in your head, thanks to its bland lyrics and obnoxiously sing-song melody. Seriously, did Paul walk into the studio, turn all of his effects pedals up to 11 and bang this one out in 30 seconds? I have no idea how this has worked its way into most playlists of holiday classics. And just to be clear -- this is all coming from a massive Beatles fan. -- Sam Radwany
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Michael W. Smith, "Kay Thompson's Jingle Bells" (1998)
I hate this song precisely because, as soon as it starts, I find myself wishing Christmastime was over. This pompous distortion of the classic carol is the audio equivalent of being forced to eat a gingerbread cheeseburger or chug hot eggnog. There's something gross in its sweetness, and the lack of irony only amplifies it. Perhaps hearing this song hundreds of times in my childhood has turned me into an Ebenezer, but I'd honestly be surprised if you could listen to this three times without feeling, however faintly, like you're trapped in line to see Santa with a reindeer gnawing at your ear. -- Jonathon Sharp
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NewSong, "The Christmas Shoes" (2000)
"Christmas Shoes" is as boring and depressing as a fake tree. There's lots of great melancholy Christmas music (Charlie Brown and "The Christmas Song," just to name a couple), but NewSong's tale of a mother dying on Christmas Eve as her son tries to get her one last gift is the wrong kind of sentimental -- emotionally manipulative and corny. Even if you can get past all of that, the song is nearly five minutes long. Great Christmas music is succinct; you can't go caroling with songs as long as "Christmas Shoes." Thankfully, this one seems to be falling out of favor. Let's keep it that way. -- Anthony Brousseau
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Bob Dylan, "Must Be Santa" (2009)
With the possible exception of "Christmas Shoes," the one thing all Christmas songs that grate have in common from my point of view is their bland ubiquity or, in other words, their all-too-cozy familiarity. Unabashed sentiment, brick-thick orchestrations, sonic tinsel -- these are elements that prevent many a holiday mediocrity from standing apart from the pack. ("Christmas Shoes," in contrast, lays it on as flagrantly as any song, but its ghoulish plot keeps it from entering the Muzak graveyard, where that poor boy's Imelda Marcos-syndrome mom currently resides.) Glorious failure will always trump insistent banality, and in that spirit, I backhandedly honor Bob Dylan's barnstorming train wreck of a Christmas album, and specifically his demented punk-polka cover of "Must Be Santa," simultaneously the best and worst thing he ever did. To hear Dylan and his chorus machine-gunning U.S. Presidents' names among the roll call of Santa's reindeer is to know precisely what spiked their eggnog. -- Eric Henderson
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