'The Best Thing I've Done': Woman On Choosing To Be A Single Mom
MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) -- Everyone can agree: Raising kids is no easy task. Doing it as a single parent is even harder. But recent statistics show the birth rate of unmarried women is on the decline in every age group, except one.
The number of unmarried women in their 30s and 40s having children has more than doubled since 1980, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, a division of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Many of these single women are choosing to have children all on their own.
"I'm the kind of person who always wanted to be a mom," said Becca, a Robbinsdale woman who chose to be a single mom. She did not want her last name used to protect the privacy of her children.
You could say Becca always had children on her mind. She devoted her career to them as a Ph.D. in child developmental psychology, but never had time for any herself.
"You know, you get older and older and you think, 'Is this going to happen?,' and you think you have to have a spouse, which is what society tells you," she said.
With no relationship in sight, Becca refused to pass up her dream of being a mom.
"When I was 39, suddenly one day I was like, 'Wait a minute, maybe I can do this.' I have a house, a good job, lots of family and friends," she said.
Becca considered adoption, but wanted to try other options first.
At her age, she knew it wouldn't be easy, but she had the drive and financial resources. So, after using a sperm donor, six intrauterine inseminations and three cycles of in vitro fertilization later, the 42-year-old gave birth to twin boys.
"It's all-consuming," she said. "My life is completely different than it was before."
Even though she chose to be a mom to two newborns alone, she says nothing could have prepared her for it.
"The first few months, honestly, a blur," she said. "I don't know how I survived. I would walking into walls."
But she says family and friends made up for the absence of a second parent.
"I have a really great support network, I don't get many breaks, but if I really need a break, I can call up one of my friends," she said.
The boys are now 1-and-a-half years old and are still a handful. As they grow older, the unique family could face unique challenges.
"This is pretty new, this idea of being a single parent by choice, so we have to have a cultural conversation about this," said Bill Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Doherty says regardless of choice, children in two parent homes have an advantage.
"You have double the resources," he said.
But Doherty points out women choosing to be single moms can't be compared with others.
"Single mothers by choice tend to be a middle class, educated group of women who have adequate income,"
he said. "Their lives are reasonably stable."
That doesn't mean challenges don't lie ahead. Babies become teenagers and start asking questions.
"For the children, we don't yet know how they're going to feel about when they get older, about their mother's voluntary decision to raise them without a father in their lives," Doherty said.
He says studies have found donor babies of the 1980s are now coming of age and many want to refer to their donor as father, even against the request of the parents who raised them.
"They're are pushing back a bit and saying, 'We have a father and he's out there,' and for them it's a difference experience than for the mother," Doherty said.
Becca says she's prepared for the questions and is getting started on the conversation early.
"They all will deal with eventually 'I don't have a dad, so-and-so has a dad,' but I really do believe that I have a lot of power in how they think about that," she said. "Right from the start, it's important for me to teach say, 'There are many ways to have a family.'"
Even with extra hurdles, the beaming mom wouldn't trade her family for any other.
"I'm so much more content with my life, and so much happier," Becca said. "It's just the best thing I've done ever."
There is no specific data collected on how many single mothers are by choice, but choicemoms.org, a website created by a Minneapolis single mother by choice, estimates nearly 50,000 women each year in the U.S. chose to become single moms.
Out of nearly 500 single moms surveyed, choicemoms.org found 80 percent of women choose to try become a mother through insemination, 8 percent choose adoption, 1 percent choose surrogacy.
