Good Question: Why Do We Hold Grudges So Long?

After 19 years, the wife of a Supreme Court justice still holds a grudge against a woman who nearly brought his nomination down. Virginia Thomas called Anita Hill and left her a voicemail asking for an apology for accusing Clarence Thomas of having a hostile work environment. So, why is it so hard to walk away from a grudge?

"I think inherently we like to control things," said John Tauer, a social psychology professor at University of St. Thomas in St. Paul. "Holding a grudge at some level is a defense mechanism saying 'Hey, stay away from that person.' Whether holding a grudge is the right long term solution is another question."

Part of why walking away is so hard is that a grudge feeds on itself.

"It becomes really a vicious cycle," said Tauer, adding that when you're angry at someone and think about them later, you get angry again. "The emotions just intensify, they don't go away."

But holding a grudge isn't just about being a "bad person."

"The vast majority of the research shows us grudges have detrimental effects on both psychological and physical well-being. They're stressful," said Tauer.

According to the Mayo Clinic, grudges can lead to higher blood pressure, depression and ultimately alcohol and substance abuse.

"There's hundreds of studies that show the powerful effects of forgiveness," said Tauer, who described forgiveness as the flip side of holding a grudge.

In both forgiveness and holding a grudge, "it is affecting the person holding them or forgiving. If I hold a grudge, I'm the one who suffers the negative effects of that," he added.

The paradox about holding a grudge is that we think we're controlling a situation. In fact, we're ceding control to the person we're mad at.

"We also know that trying to control something you have no control over is pretty damaging psychologically," said Tauer.

To move on, you don't necessarily need to forgive, he said. You just need to accept that whatever happened; happened.

"I can accept that this is what happened. Now, what do I want to do? The only thing I get to control is what my next step is," he explained.